Thursday, November 12, 2009

Grant Miller Cooks!

Hi there! I'm kind of busy tonight. After our "preemptive holiday gorging work out", I rushed around to make a quick weeknight dinner and threw a couple of ribeyes on the grill. (Rubbed with Weber's Chicago Steak Seasoning, 6 minutes at 550f, flipping every 2 minutes.)

Since I don't have time to do a full post, I have a special guest chef for you all. Media mogul and comedy genius, Grant Miller has taken time from his incredibly busy schedule at Grant Miller Media to share a special holiday recipe with us.

If you haven't read Mr. Miller's hilarious blog, do yourself a favor and get over there and read up a bit. He does a great job of playing straight man to his own acerbic wit.

Grant Miller's Mom's Honey-Buttermilk Cornbread
Thanksgiving is almost here and that got me thinking of my mom's old recipes. She always began baking and cooking a week before Thanksgiving, filling our house with delicious holiday aromas. This recipe is a favorite and growing up she always invited me into the kitchen to help. I did it so often, I committed it to memory. So here now is my mom's famous Honey-Buttermilk Cornbread recipe just as she explained it to me every Thanksgiving. I hope your family likes it as much as I did:
  • 1 1/2 cups of flour.
  • 1 1/4 cups of corn meal
  • 2 1/2 teaspoons of baking soda.
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder.
  • 1 teaspoon of salt.
  • 3 large eggs.
  • 1 cup of buttermilk.
  • 1/4 cup of melted butter.
  • 1/4 cup of honey.
  • 2 failed marriages.
  • 2 ungrateful little kids.
Heat oven to 425 degrees. Carefully grease a 9-inch square baking pan with butter. I said butter. Don't you have any butter? No. Margarine is not the same thing. The recipe calls for butter. So get out the butter.

Okay, now grease it carefully. I said carefully, Grant. Aren't you listening? Okay. Get all the corners. Here, just let me do it.

Okay. Now we're going to combine - will you stop watching TV? I need your help. Now are you going to help or not? Okay. Now combine the flour, the corn meal, the baking soda, baking powder and salt in a large mixing bowl. Does this look like a mixing bowl to you? Maybe a mixing bowl for midgets, but not us. Get out my large mixing bowl will you? It's under the microwave where it's always been.

Listen - turn off the TV right now, mister. You said you'd help so come on. Turn. It. Off. Now. Mister.

Get out another bowl and whisk the eggs with the buttermilk, butter and honey. Are you doing that? Here, let me see. No. No this is all wrong. Here get out my spatula. Let me get this out before you ruin it. Okay now mix those things together. And don't just mix one area. You have to do the whole thing otherwise it's chunky. And no one likes chunky corn bread. If they complain I'll just tell them you made it.

Now lets combine our bowls. Oh, could you get that? Mrs. Boehm said she'd be calling. Is it Mrs. Boehm? It's not? Okay. Then tell Brian you'll call him back. No. You cannot have the car tonight, I have to drop off the appraisal at the bank and need to go the library to make copies. Why can't Brian drive? It's always you driving. Does he at least offer to pay for gas?

Okay. See. I mixed the two bowls while you were talking to your boyfriend and I poured them into the pan. Here, open the oven and set the timer for 20 to 25 minutes.

While the corn bread bakes, pour one glass of Lancers and sit at the table, quietly weeping. Let simmer for 20 years or until your son decides to publicly poke fun at the whole episode in a loving yet brutally honest way.

Thank you Mr. Miller!

For the record, that is a real recipe but the failed marriages and ungrateful kids are optional.